Fun weekend

My weekend was one wild experience after another...but looking back it was a lot of fun.


First off, I know exactly what's on the top of my Christmas list this year- a palm sander. What is a palm sander you might ask? Well..to be honest I'm not sure what all of its uses include, but i know that it's a tool, a power tool and I guess you would use it to sand things, as in woodwork, etc.....well, Friday night I hooked up with this guy who I hooked up with previously (and that time he tore my ass so hard that it bled...but I loved it) and we were messing around and he excuses himself for a minute and comes back in with this power tool, plugs it in (and boy was it loud) and tells me he's going to use it on my pussy. At first I'm like, "what the fuck...what's it going ot do to me?" and he demonsrates by putting it on his arm and showing me that it's not going to burn or cut me....so he starts smashing it against my pussy while I'm standing butt naked in the middle of his kitchen...just over the whole area and in 3 seconds I was orgasming harder and louder than I ever have in my entire life. I think some pee actually may have leaked out of me...I'm not sure, but something was running down my leg. He kept it there and I just kept screaming and cumming and screaming and loving it. I didn't know where one orgasm started and the next began. I may have had 20 to 25 orgasms in one minute. It's hard to say how many it may have been. I'm surprised this guy's neighbors weren't calling 9-1-1 thinking that someone was being murdered with me screaming so loudly and the power tool being so loud and all. I still shudder (with pleasure) thinking about it.


So after a Friday evening of being used and abused by this guy (and drinking a very tasty milkshake from a really strange Burger King), I set off on Saturday morning to meet some old friends for a renanisance fair in the middle of nowhere. The Renanisance fair was just stupid. I'd been to one before, but this one was just lame. Three of my best girlfriends and I from ages past then went to an amusement park that was having a special Halloween weekend event. After being threatened eviction from the park, because two of us tried to stand up on a wooden roller coaster, we hit a deer with my rental car....rather "the deer hit our car!" as my friend keeps saying. Well, this poor deer was twitching and moving and it was just a horrible awful site and next thing I know my other friend grabs an umbrella out of the car and starts beating the thing over the head to "put it out its misery" (her words, not mine). I was ready to kill her for hurting this poor thing, but at the same time, I realize that after it hit the car, it was probably going to die anyway, and that instead of letting it suffer in pain by the side of the road, perhaps what she did was best (if not a tad gruesome). So, the hood on the rental car was pretty screwed up, but the car was still drivable and we didn't want to get the police involved. So, we kept driving. The plan was to drive 3 hours back to my place in NJ, but we were making slow progress...the deer incident was just the beginning. Two miles later, I tried to make a U-turn (because we were starving and saw a sign for the Golden Arches) and nearly hit another car that was going 80 mph. We were just inches from said vehicle, when my friends screamed for me to watch out. After that, I wasn't "allowed" to drive anymore and my friend took over. The McDonald's advertised on the blue road sign was nowhere to be found and then we ended up down some dark, black, scary road. We got turned around and stopped at another McDonalds, only to find that they were closed. We were starving by this time and ready to eat anything. As we're pulling out of the parking lot, some weird guy appeared out of nowhere and just started pounding with his fists on the trunk of the car. We were like, "what?" and he was screaming gibberish and my friend just floored it and we went flying back onto the highway...almost striking yet ANOTHER car (this one appeared to be a station wagon of sorts). About ten miles later (and no signs of food in site), a car in the passing lane next to us, started swerving and we heard busting glass....my friend in the back seat yelled out, "they hit another goddamn deer!" and we looked to see that the car beside us had hit a deer and literally broke it in half. The head was lying on the roadway and the back legs and butt were flying down the side of the road. Surreal.

So, at this point, one of my friends pointed out that we'd seen way too many signs of peril, and perhaps we were supposed to stop driving and get a hotel for the night. It was close to midnight by this time and I agreed that I was game. My other friend was lukewarm to the idea so we drove a few more miles and then saw a tractor trailer nearly run over a minivan when going back into the right lane. Luckily, the minivan was able to pull off to the side of the road without getting hit. At this point, the lukewarm friends says, “Okay, next exit, motel.I don’t care what kind of a place it is, we’re going. So we end up at some halfway decent looking family owned hotel type place. Actually has two floors and the sign boasts, “Free wi-fi, outdoor pool!” So, we go in and are informed that all they have left are “king rooms with a Jacuzzi” for the “special couples rate” of $81.99. Before any of the group can protest, I say, “we’ll take it.”

The hotel isn’t a total dump (just 75% dump) and we passed the hours drinking cheap warm beer and taking pictures of me naked sitting in the white trash Jacuzzi tub. I say white trash, because it just looked like something out of a by the hour motel. I tried to seduce my two friends (one of them and I have messed around previously), but they were having none of it. I was pretty bummed about this…but I didn’t push too hard. It was right before we were ready to actually go to sleep (three of us in a king bed, me naked), that we discovered there was a switch over the bed that said, “bed.” We’re like, “what….?” And then I said, ‘OH..i get it..it vibrates..” and I hit the switch and the whole bed starts going up and down and vibrating and gyrating. We collapsed into giggles and I think we all fell asleep within minutes. I awoke to see the numbers on the clock reading “8:41 a.m.” This really pissed us off, because we had asked for an 8 a.m. wake up call. That call never came. I stumbled into the bathroom, all tired and cranky to find a dead roach on the floor beside the toilet. So, it was a slow start. My friends had to drag me out of the lobby as I was arguing with the desk attendant upon checkout that we should be given a partial refund due to the roach and the missed wake up call. His response? “Hey, lady, this ain’t the Ritz Carlton or even the Holiday Inn Express, the Holiday Inn Express is two exits up.”

Back on the road, we decide to head to Philadelphia to drop off one of my friends and return my rental car, since that’s where I got it when getting off the train from NY on Friday afternoon (which at this point seemed like weeks before as opposed to 48 hours). The rental car people were trying to give me a lecture on safe driving habits after I had to explain about the hood, but I wanted to hear none of it. It was a deer, damn it, there was nothing I could do about it and my insurance will take care of it. All of this back and forth caused me to realize my train was departing in less than two minutes and I ran through 30th street station faster than I’ve ever ran before. only to find that the train had already pulled out of the station. So, I had to wait another hour before the next train to New York and I finally got to eat that McDonalds food we’d all been craving the night before. To be quite honest, it really didn’t taste all that delicious. I fell asleep on the train, dreaming of the palm sander and returned to New York cracking up laughing at it all. I guess I could complain about all of our mishaps, but in retrospect it was all pretty damn funny.

Shot down by a Jehovah's Witness

I'm at the family homestead in NJ this weekend and just returned from a brisk walk and found a Jehovah's witness on my doorstep. Feeling mischevious, I decided to invite him in, all the while chatting and saying that I attend my own church, but was curious about his faith. And so as soon as we got into the foyer, I just lifted my arms and whipped off my Jets Jersey (no bra underneath, mind you.). I cupped both breasts in my hand and then licked a nipple and said to him, "so whaddya think of these?" and his jaw dropped open and he said, "ma'am this is inappropriate. I will return another day." and he went for the door. I said, "No, no I want to hear about your faith." He said, "ma'am I will not be made a joke of." and he left. I started to chase him down the walk, but then realized I was topless in my father's yard, God rest his soul, and I ran back inside. The "witness" had introduced himself as "Noble." His first name was supposedly Noble. I guess he lived up to his name. I can't believe I got turned down. I'm really, really bummed. I wanted to seduce a Jehovah's Witness, damn it!

Sick

I'm been out of commission for a while, because I was sick. So sick, in fact, that I had to be hospitalized twice-one in the city of Angels and once here in NYC. The plan was that I was going do donate my eggs to two friends of mine who can't have a baby by conventional means because one of them has fertility problems. The other one (they're a lesbian couple) is too old, so they got a sperm donor and an egg donor (yours truly). So, all was going well and I was excited about it, however, the medications (injections) that I had to take in order to stimulate my ovaries to produce a large amount of eggs caused me to take on water an develop a condition called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. See this link for more info http://www.ivf.com/ohss.html. At first it was diagnosed as a very mild case and the dr just told me to take it easy. However, I was scheduled to fly on an airplane two days later so that I could attend a party at the infamous Playboy Mansion. My doctor said I shouldn't fly because of the extreme risk of blood clots due to this water I was taking on. Not to be subdued, I decided, what the hell, I"m still going and I decided to start driving it. I left that evening. Four speeding tickets (in 3 different states-damn those Texas state troopers!) and nearly 3 days later, I arrived in Los Angeles exhausted, but excited. I checked into my hotel and decided to order some take out. I started to feel a little nauseous, but thought litte of it. By the time the front desk called to tell me that the delivery person was in the lobby, I was dizzy and nauseous and had massive pains in my stomach. Somehow I made my way to the lobby and my hands were shaking as I tried to pay for my food. Two bellboys and the delivery guy noticed something was wrong. I had to sit down and I just felt to sick and disoriented. The bell boy was about to call an ambulance. Not wanting ot make a bigger deal out of it, I declined and the to make a long story short, the delivery boy actually took me to a local ER in his own car. An hour later I was admitted to the hospital and they were making me drink large amounts of water so that I would urninate more and rid of body of the toxic buildup. I was hoping perhaps this could be accomlished in a few hours and that I'd be back to my hotel by midnight in order to get a good night's sleep so that I could be all rested up for the party the next day. I guess it just wasn't in the cards, because they kept me in the hospital for two days. I had to eat shitty hospital food and have people analyze my urine. It was awful. So, they released me and at that point all i wanted to do was go home. Cleared for airplane travel, I booked the next flight to JFK and got the car from the hotel. The car is a whole different story. It's still in long term parking at LAX airport and I may fly back out to retrieve it this week. Thinking my medical troubles were over I returned to New York disappointed about missing my chance be a part of the excitement at the Playboy mansion. Two days later, I started to feel sick and nauseous and dizzy again and I gained 5 pounds in a few hours. Then I started getting terrible chest pains and was convinced I was having a heart attack. My good friend Ross drove me the hospital and I was admitted again. This time they discovered the water that had built up in my stomach and uterus as a result of the stimulating medications had also spread to my lungs. This time it was much more serious and they made me drink more water and gave me injections of something else that flushed everything out. After another two days in a different hospital (the food was just as shitty and some friends snuck in McDonalds french fries and Dominos pizza for me), I was given a clean bill of health. But the car...the car is still in long term parking at LAX.